Had to make one last stop by dad’s to go through his things. Not the easiest of days, by far, but I haven’t even begun to go through the old pictures. Tina wouldn’t let me do it right there and she’s probably right, so the pictures are sitting here beside me at home for when I’m ready.
Never done the whole cremation thing before, but you would think it goes faster. Either the weekend or some of the other red tape with death certificates is holding things up for 3 days. I don’t know if that’s better or worse for me, but it feels like it’s taking forever to get things done. I’m not in a hurry to forget, just in a hurry to put all the death behind me and start thinking more about the good stuff. Even the good memories hurt right now.
Dad and I had our rough patches, but we always seemed to work things out. Dad’s last couple of years have been hard on him and I think that brought us closer than we ever were. I’m thankful for that. I’m glad he made all the birthday parties here at the house, even when he wasn’t feeling well. I’m glad he and I spent time watching all the movies together here on our couch. Even though he was in pain and tired, I love the past three weeks of sharing lunch, Ice Cream and our talks.
What I miss are the daily phone calls to tell me how he was doing, or to ask if I had any new movies for him. I miss him trying to get me in trouble with Tina, or her in trouble with me and then laughing at us bickering in jest. But I think I miss him more because we didn’t get to finish some of the things we started, that the next birthday party and holidays will be empty by one chair and that the next movie will be without him by my side on the couch.
Love you dad and I miss you terribly. I promised you I’ll be OK and I will, but I never realized the hole you’d leave in my heart. I hope you know that. I hope you heard all those talks last week as I sat by your side. I just wished you’d let me say goodbye one last time.